If You Have A Better Friendship With George Takei; Time To Kill Off Zombie Facebook Friendships

Facebook has ruined your life. You know it. You just haven't admitted yet.

We read our feed as naturally as we do urinate. It is fascinating that we actively recognize when something is unhealthy for us, yet we do nothing about it. What is really fun or stimulating about this act? 

The only reason you'll ever need to clean your Facebook friends list: To limit or erase connections that do not benefit you in some way, especially emotionally. 

In honor of this notion, I will write imaginary letters to a few of the recently departed to the "unfriend" zone. Writing this made the daunting task a little bit more amusing, this task is saddening as well. After all their time spent of my friend list, you'd imagine I may have more to say to these people.

Names have been changed to protect the disconnected folks for whom I am referring.

1. Dear James,
   No matter how many times I said no, you kept trying to feel my boob when we made out. When I gave you the final NO, you went ahead and told everyone at school that I was real “easy” to get with. Bravo, sir! I could have gone my whole life not knowing someone married you.
   
   
   
   
   
2. Dear Victoria,
   I'm seeing your name and for the life of me... I can't remember who you are even after I review our mutual friends. Your mere existence eludes me.
   
   
3. Dear Erin,
   You used to steal my food at camp and hide the wrappers under your bed (which you never thought I saw). Glad we could connect on Facebook so we could rekindle that memory.
   
   
4. Dear Leo,
   You were the little brother of a classmate (not friend) I once had in the 2nd grade. That's about it...
   
   
5. Dear Jin,
   You were a classmate from high school who didn't speak English until the 12th grade... this should pretty much explain where our friendship fell short.
   
   
6. Dear Harry,
   You had the most obsessive crush on me in the 7th grade. You used your parents money to buy me a huge gold necklace. Chocolates were annoymously delivered to my house every Valentine's Day. Here we are, connected and it is clear that if I had a time machine, I would have made different choice had I known you were going to be a CFO to a growing banking institution. However, I would not have known about this at all if it weren't Facebook and I think I was better off not knowing.
   
   
   7.  Dear Will,
   
   You were a drug-addict I worked with at a restaurant once. You once asked me out after work (in a drug-induced haze) to go back to your place and “do like the monkeys do” with you - As flattering as this memory is, I could do without your face on feed.

8. Dear Mandy,
   We were close friends for a few weeks in the 6th grade until the social cliques began to form and everyone split into their respective formulas. You went from being a little good girl to goth in about 2 weeks from that point and we never spoke again all through high school. Yet, here you are....
   
   
9. Dear Seth, John, Paul and Frank:
   All four of you are ex-boyfriends who, I will always really care about deep down. All serious relationships, you made me who I am today and I'm the better for it. While I enjoy the occasional stalking of your Facebook page (where I decide who is prettier or fatter or a better dresser than me), I don't need to drain myself on this negativity any longer. I am stronger because I can click the unfriend button and not feel a thing. This is because I am happy with my life and who I am today.
   
   
10. Dear Helen,
    You were obnoxious in real life and at the very least, I can state you are consistent in that you precisely who you really are in the Facebook world as well.
    
    
11. Dear Rebecca,
    I grew up in Brooklyn. There are about 11 of you and I can't distinguish which one is which anymore.
    
    
12. Dear Patty,
    You are the mother of an ex-boyfriend. I'm not sure how you got on here in the first place.
    
    
13. Dear Lisa,
    You are an old boss. You are also generally a nosey person and I am well aware you have been using our “connection” (which we only formed after my employment) to spy on my life occassionally so you can relay to the people I used to work with. No, thank you to this continued connection.
    
    
14. Dear Dave,
    We made out once at camp because you liked the idea that I had a tongue ring. I knew this at the time but my self-esteem was low enough to allow it happen. Many other strapping young gents followed suit....
    
    
15. Dear Cass, Justin, Derek, Devon and Sam,
    Read #15
    
    
    
    
16. Dear Joseph,
    You were in my class and lived down the block from me. I asked you to dance at the 5th grade prom. You said no. I was heart-broken. You moved 2 weeks later and I never saw you again. Oh, there you are! Facebook accessible... that's a memory I wanted to revisit.
    
    
17. Dear 요한 복음
    Who the hell are you? Is this Korean? Did I need this friendship to obtain points on Farmville at some point?
    
    
18. Dear Tim,
    I'm not saying this lightly: You were the definition of a true bitch. A male bitch. I am happy to see you are currently a model now. This seems fitting considering you were a shallow and terrible person when I knew you 12 years ago. This is my favorite example of a zombie friendship. It may have had life once, but it was really always dead and rotting... and it should have been laid to rest a long time ago but Facebook kept it moving.
    
    
19. Dear Katie,
    You were only my friend to get followers for your many changing bands.
    
    
20. Dear Stan,
    
    We met once... at a bar... through friends... I think you were funny.
    
    
21. Oh, Gabriella...
    No. I'm not over the bullying you provided to me 2nd-4th grade and while I'm over it but I'm not really ever <over it> You were relentlessly mean and nasty for no reason. By having you on my Facebook, does that make you think you had done nothing wrong in the first place? If someone were to pay me to have interest in what your life had come to, I would have to decline. Your baby is also the one people whisper about when they talk about the only ugly baby they have ever seen.
    
    I think it's safe to say that if you find yourself with a better virtual friendship with George Takei than most of your friends list, it may be time to throw out the trash.

Your success is not measured in the amount of Facebook friends you have, yet alone your knowledge of the whereabouts, emotions and every whim for people for whom you really no longer have a connection. 

There are exceptions to this rule. I found when going through it, I really test my personal feelings about certain people on a much deeper level. I think to myself, “Can I go on not knowing this person and find myself missing the connection?” - This occurred with a few people I did not expect. Friends from high school whose friendships really meant something to me, for instance. Others, for whom I wished I formed a deeper bond when I once had them nearby. It's great to be connected, but with some people it just felt unnatural. Years of postmortem friendships lingering out there all the time.  

Lastly, it should be stated that family is a judgment call. I find I was trying to stay connected on principle of them being family. At some point, however, you have to give into the fact just because they are family members does mean you have to stay connected to them on Facebook. They always say you cannot choose your family, but that should not connect to those family members who make you feel bad about yourself and do not support your way of life or your choices. 

In this social-media driven age, I think it's safe to say we are losing our real connections with one another. Is the golden-age of friendship-making passed me by in flash? Where are all the people that I will know until I am old and grey? I think the only way I am going to know these people is if I concentrate on giving a large sum of my time and energy to real and lasting friendships... and not the a little bit of energy to 400+ of them.  

If we were meant to stay connected, perhaps I'll bump into to you in the future. 

A night spent learning a new hobby is given away to Facebook scrolling. You can use it to your benefit or let it eat you alive. Using Facebook to maintain good, solid and everlasting friendships is a healthy way of enjoying their real company. However, if you find yourself mindlessly scrolling your feed to read irrational and unimportant updates from people who matter very little to you, perhaps it's your turn to take out the trash, too!

A Self-Taught Woman

My daughter turned to me the other day to discuss clothing for some reason or another. Eventually, she pointed out that there was a girl at school who didn't match very well. She said, "I really don't like the way she dresses. It's weird." - Ah, the fifth grade.

Fair enough. I feel this way about adults, too. When you're young, it's weird. When you get older, it's self expression. One day she'll understand the concept of having a "style" I suppose. It took me until I was about 25 years old to figure it out myself. 

"Are you friends with this girl?

"No, I'm not. She's just weird." 

"Well, then you don't know her very well. I know it's hard to not judge her clothing when you don't agree with her. You never really know why she dresses that way. Maybe she likes it. Maybe she doesn't have many clothes. Maybe her parent's don't help her..."

At what point does a parent realize they are attempting to defend their 10 year old inner child? 

Stop. Think. What am I trying to teach her exactly? 

A great deal of my love for these children is because I still know what it feels like to be them. I still yearn for things I never received in my childhood. 

It's important for my readers to know that my Mother was virtually non-existent. I was not always fed. I was not always picked up for school on time (if, at all) and I was not left out clothing before school. I didn't go girl shopping with Mommy or get go through the motions of growing up with a Mother. I am a self-taught (and still not always getting it right) woman. It hasn't been easy. 

She was M.I.A. because she was addicted to the act of self-medication. I wish there was more insight than this, but there is not. Addicted to the white collar drugs, as well, she did love getting them in any way she possibly could. The medications made her mentally, not there. My sister and I were conditioned to think she was a sleepy person. Sleepy while cooking, sleepy enough to forget to pick us up from school, sleepy while driving... Just sleepy. When she wasn't sleepy, she was mean. Unloving, cold and distant. My Father worked often to support us and took on the burden of being a single father before and after her death. 

When I'm around these children, there is a deep seeded understanding that is illuminated. I am a better Mother because I know what a child desires. I still feel what a child may desire every now and again. My husband can attest. It's a character trait for which I am not always proud, but my ability to be a better Mother makes it all worth it.

The kids are no stranger to my story. They know it well. I think it's important for them to know these things. Without this knowledge, they are oblivious to my process. I want them to know why I am the way I am and how I've gotten here. There is a path for all of us and my purpose revolves around learning from that which I did not have as a child. My Mother left my life early, when I was nine years old. It was tragic, shocking and life changing. It happened because that was the plan all along. I do not know if I would have been the strong person I am today if not for her departure. 

All I do know is that this kind of devastating loss was a serious gain for these children and I know I love being a Mother and learning more each and every day about them and myself. 

Pick Your Battles, "they" Say!

I shouldn't provide an illusion that all is always well in a dual-family household. I assure you, it is not. Internally, it's a battle every day to not go completely out of my mind with anger.

Subjects and every day events for which the ordinary household will take on with ease, seem multiplied with stress. I cannot simply ask the kids a question like:

"What do you guys want to be for Halloween this year?"

On subjects like this, the question must be asked in a tactful way that expresses minor indifference with a touch of tip-toeing around.

"Are you excited for Halloween this year?"

This way, I've led them into the conversation and allow them to divulge the inevitable plans. Their Mother enjoys Halloween very much and has, though the years, made that very clear by instilling upon them a glorious enthusiasm for it. While I do enjoy Halloween just as much, that is just the type of thing that now becomes secondary and always will. No plans can be made, no expectations to be laid out. I know the routine. I've observed over the years and will always submit. Why? Well, it's very simple.

I must pick my battles. I will sure go out of my mind if I don't.

Just writing this is my way of removing myself from the battle within. The battle in my head that sounds like:

Why can't I just say the girls will be with us on Halloween because Halloween is not something you can claim? I do not want to share the time with the girls this year. It's rubbish. I should be able to make the costumes in August and feel fine with it. I don't care how she feels about it. I hope it even pisses her off a little, too, because she should feel what I am feeling right now. I feel LEFT out, I feel like I can't involve myself in a holiday because she says so. I am so tired of feeling like she is controlling my life! Arg!! 

Demon mind, it can be. Eh, I'm only human.

One thing I have never liked to do is attempt to define myself with any particular object, subject, phrase, clothing... or holiday. We all LIKE things. We all REALLY like things. When it comes down to it, the children seem to identify with their parents through extreme likes and dislikes. They attempt to define their parents through favourite ice cream flavours, hair styles, smells, habits and commonly watched television shows. It's a simple form of relationship building, as they seem to do in school.

"What's your favourite color?"

"Blue, what's your's?" 

"Mine, too! Let's be best friends!" 

My children do this very often. So much so, that sometimes it seems as though they are drawing a very large line in the sand about who they identify with the most and why they identify with that parent. They also draw conclusions about each parent based on this information.

By now, I likely know their Mother very well. More so than she'd like to think, I am sure, but I do. I know her favourite bands, colours, television shows and movies. I know everything from her high school celebrity crush to her favourite position when she sleeps. I know all of these things because they are told to me constantly. Did I ask for this information? No. Did I listen to this information? Yes.

I am sure she is dealing with the very same thing. Part of me would surely love to know the information about me for which they absorb the most. Why information comes up? The details of the bickering my husband and I had just a few nights ago? The new dress I bought for work? My brother getting lost and our having to pick him up an hour before their bed time? Ah, yes, the "F" bomb I dropped while driving home from school will likely come up, won't it?

Just remember, we are all flawed. We are all late, at some point. We are all angry for irrational reasons time and again. In these times of anger, I do take it out on the husband sometimes. We fight and I am reminded to pick my battles... to let things go... to take the wins when I can and let everything else fall into place.

I remember that my anger at their Mother is like directing the anger at them.

I once read that speaking badly about the other parent to or around the child is as though you are speaking badly about the child directly. The child is made up of two parts: The Mother and the Father - To speak ill of the other is like stating to the child:

"Half of you is stupid and irresponsible."

or

"Half of you is rude and manipulating."

I love these children. I am grateful every day they are a part of my life and I tell myself that, if not for her sacrifice  my life would not be the same. That appreciation allows me so submit Halloween over to Mother because there will plenty of other times I can define myself for my children in so many other ways.

...now excuse me while I snore so loudly they will remember it for a lifetime.

Batteries NOT Included

Let it be known that I mean not to disconnect myself from readers, but to protect all those involved by withholding certain details from this forum. This can serve as a wonderful forum for those who can benefit from my experiences and information I have to share. However, this has to be a safe haven for myself as well. In order for that to work, identities must be kept in the shadows. I will use different names, but I refuse to use "step-mother" jargon, for which I have commonly read in other parenting forums like: MM (Maternal Mother) and SD (Step-Dad). I have come here to write and writing is what I shall do. No abbreviations needed! 

I have only just begun the magical world of marriage recently. My husband (we'll call him Brian) and I have been together for about five years or so, but only decided to make it legal just this year. I have two beautiful step-daughters. I have been involved in their lives since the eldest was five years old (we'll call her Penny) and the youngest since she was three years old (we'll call her Lilly). They have unconditionally accepted me with open arms with little need for negotiation or coaxing. It perhaps, has been all too easy. The exception here, is that it took my some mild consideration to be involved in this lifestyle. I did not have a crystal ball for step-motherhood.

The home life is not where it ends, of course. The parenting arrangement is 50% custody for both parents. It is likely the most harmonious of all parenting arrangements you have ever heard about and it functions like a well oiled machine... most of the time. This machine will, on occasion, need an update or routine maintenance. 

While the sun cannot shine all the time, it can certainly shine most of the time. It's important to understand a main idea here which is: 

No home is primary, no parent is secondary and every parent is 100% involved even if the children are not with them 100% of the time.

The children come first. This guiding concept allows for everything else to simply fall into place. 

The children are loved. Everyone involved has a strength and reason for being a part of their lives (obvious reproductive reasons aside). I stated in the last post that I truly believe this what meant to be for me... I say this not only for me. I believe those girls give me purpose. They are my mirrors, inspiration and motivation. They allow me to maintain my soul to be the best person I can be each and every day, whether they are physically with me or not. These girls are my best friends. I am their mother. They are my daughters. We love beyond the biology. 

The unknown did not frighten me, it's annoyed me! 
My inability to plan, precisely, what can and will happen in the near and distant future is bewildering. I need clarification. I need security. You get NONE OF THIS with this lifestyle. Batteries are not included. Do not have expectations of any kind, because they will not be met. You are permanently sharing your world. 

Make no assumptions and read your instructions before attempting to assemble this machine... you'll likely have to do it blind-folded.