If You Have A Better Friendship With George Takei; Time To Kill Off Zombie Facebook Friendships

Facebook has ruined your life. You know it. You just haven't admitted yet.

We read our feed as naturally as we do urinate. It is fascinating that we actively recognize when something is unhealthy for us, yet we do nothing about it. What is really fun or stimulating about this act? 

The only reason you'll ever need to clean your Facebook friends list: To limit or erase connections that do not benefit you in some way, especially emotionally. 

In honor of this notion, I will write imaginary letters to a few of the recently departed to the "unfriend" zone. Writing this made the daunting task a little bit more amusing, this task is saddening as well. After all their time spent of my friend list, you'd imagine I may have more to say to these people.

Names have been changed to protect the disconnected folks for whom I am referring.

1. Dear James,
   No matter how many times I said no, you kept trying to feel my boob when we made out. When I gave you the final NO, you went ahead and told everyone at school that I was real “easy” to get with. Bravo, sir! I could have gone my whole life not knowing someone married you.
   
   
   
   
   
2. Dear Victoria,
   I'm seeing your name and for the life of me... I can't remember who you are even after I review our mutual friends. Your mere existence eludes me.
   
   
3. Dear Erin,
   You used to steal my food at camp and hide the wrappers under your bed (which you never thought I saw). Glad we could connect on Facebook so we could rekindle that memory.
   
   
4. Dear Leo,
   You were the little brother of a classmate (not friend) I once had in the 2nd grade. That's about it...
   
   
5. Dear Jin,
   You were a classmate from high school who didn't speak English until the 12th grade... this should pretty much explain where our friendship fell short.
   
   
6. Dear Harry,
   You had the most obsessive crush on me in the 7th grade. You used your parents money to buy me a huge gold necklace. Chocolates were annoymously delivered to my house every Valentine's Day. Here we are, connected and it is clear that if I had a time machine, I would have made different choice had I known you were going to be a CFO to a growing banking institution. However, I would not have known about this at all if it weren't Facebook and I think I was better off not knowing.
   
   
   7.  Dear Will,
   
   You were a drug-addict I worked with at a restaurant once. You once asked me out after work (in a drug-induced haze) to go back to your place and “do like the monkeys do” with you - As flattering as this memory is, I could do without your face on feed.

8. Dear Mandy,
   We were close friends for a few weeks in the 6th grade until the social cliques began to form and everyone split into their respective formulas. You went from being a little good girl to goth in about 2 weeks from that point and we never spoke again all through high school. Yet, here you are....
   
   
9. Dear Seth, John, Paul and Frank:
   All four of you are ex-boyfriends who, I will always really care about deep down. All serious relationships, you made me who I am today and I'm the better for it. While I enjoy the occasional stalking of your Facebook page (where I decide who is prettier or fatter or a better dresser than me), I don't need to drain myself on this negativity any longer. I am stronger because I can click the unfriend button and not feel a thing. This is because I am happy with my life and who I am today.
   
   
10. Dear Helen,
    You were obnoxious in real life and at the very least, I can state you are consistent in that you precisely who you really are in the Facebook world as well.
    
    
11. Dear Rebecca,
    I grew up in Brooklyn. There are about 11 of you and I can't distinguish which one is which anymore.
    
    
12. Dear Patty,
    You are the mother of an ex-boyfriend. I'm not sure how you got on here in the first place.
    
    
13. Dear Lisa,
    You are an old boss. You are also generally a nosey person and I am well aware you have been using our “connection” (which we only formed after my employment) to spy on my life occassionally so you can relay to the people I used to work with. No, thank you to this continued connection.
    
    
14. Dear Dave,
    We made out once at camp because you liked the idea that I had a tongue ring. I knew this at the time but my self-esteem was low enough to allow it happen. Many other strapping young gents followed suit....
    
    
15. Dear Cass, Justin, Derek, Devon and Sam,
    Read #15
    
    
    
    
16. Dear Joseph,
    You were in my class and lived down the block from me. I asked you to dance at the 5th grade prom. You said no. I was heart-broken. You moved 2 weeks later and I never saw you again. Oh, there you are! Facebook accessible... that's a memory I wanted to revisit.
    
    
17. Dear 요한 복음
    Who the hell are you? Is this Korean? Did I need this friendship to obtain points on Farmville at some point?
    
    
18. Dear Tim,
    I'm not saying this lightly: You were the definition of a true bitch. A male bitch. I am happy to see you are currently a model now. This seems fitting considering you were a shallow and terrible person when I knew you 12 years ago. This is my favorite example of a zombie friendship. It may have had life once, but it was really always dead and rotting... and it should have been laid to rest a long time ago but Facebook kept it moving.
    
    
19. Dear Katie,
    You were only my friend to get followers for your many changing bands.
    
    
20. Dear Stan,
    
    We met once... at a bar... through friends... I think you were funny.
    
    
21. Oh, Gabriella...
    No. I'm not over the bullying you provided to me 2nd-4th grade and while I'm over it but I'm not really ever <over it> You were relentlessly mean and nasty for no reason. By having you on my Facebook, does that make you think you had done nothing wrong in the first place? If someone were to pay me to have interest in what your life had come to, I would have to decline. Your baby is also the one people whisper about when they talk about the only ugly baby they have ever seen.
    
    I think it's safe to say that if you find yourself with a better virtual friendship with George Takei than most of your friends list, it may be time to throw out the trash.

Your success is not measured in the amount of Facebook friends you have, yet alone your knowledge of the whereabouts, emotions and every whim for people for whom you really no longer have a connection. 

There are exceptions to this rule. I found when going through it, I really test my personal feelings about certain people on a much deeper level. I think to myself, “Can I go on not knowing this person and find myself missing the connection?” - This occurred with a few people I did not expect. Friends from high school whose friendships really meant something to me, for instance. Others, for whom I wished I formed a deeper bond when I once had them nearby. It's great to be connected, but with some people it just felt unnatural. Years of postmortem friendships lingering out there all the time.  

Lastly, it should be stated that family is a judgment call. I find I was trying to stay connected on principle of them being family. At some point, however, you have to give into the fact just because they are family members does mean you have to stay connected to them on Facebook. They always say you cannot choose your family, but that should not connect to those family members who make you feel bad about yourself and do not support your way of life or your choices. 

In this social-media driven age, I think it's safe to say we are losing our real connections with one another. Is the golden-age of friendship-making passed me by in flash? Where are all the people that I will know until I am old and grey? I think the only way I am going to know these people is if I concentrate on giving a large sum of my time and energy to real and lasting friendships... and not the a little bit of energy to 400+ of them.  

If we were meant to stay connected, perhaps I'll bump into to you in the future. 

A night spent learning a new hobby is given away to Facebook scrolling. You can use it to your benefit or let it eat you alive. Using Facebook to maintain good, solid and everlasting friendships is a healthy way of enjoying their real company. However, if you find yourself mindlessly scrolling your feed to read irrational and unimportant updates from people who matter very little to you, perhaps it's your turn to take out the trash, too!